Video Games teach us a lot of things, and one thing that they teach repeatedly is that you can’t shoot down a moving object at lightning speed. And today, we are going for the motherlode. For years and years I’ve played the role of assassins, rogues, thugs and heroes, and there is no way, that this Santa Claus can come straight into a town, sneak in like a Ninja and walk away like a boss. Tonight I will find him, and I will bring him down to my knees. The plan starts with my holster size, and here’s how I’d like to play it. 10 unique and merciless gadgets and weapons that I am locking for the midnight hour, as I exhibit 10 different ways to catch the fish. It’s time people learn to differentiate myths from reality, for I will conclude whether there exists a super ninja by the name of Santa Claus or not!
Style #1: Bazooka or RPG (from Far Cry 3)
There were times in Far Cry 3 when I’d be sent into an unforgiving mission to chase down an entire horde of rabid dogs or untamed dingoes. In my early days, I’d like to shoot at every single one of them. And I’d fail. That’s when I realised the power of the Rocket-propelled grenade. It’s a scene cleaner. All you need to do is wait, lock and release. In an instant, a forest would catch an inferno, and you’d have roasted dog meat, not one, not two, but a dozen lying around. Moving or stationary, an RPG can make anyone’s butt catch fire, thanks to its damage radius.
If Santa is a ninja, I’m a pyromaniac. For years I’ve bought that he exists and that he sneaks into my room and throws presents around my bed. I’m a grown up man now, I hardly care for presents. But what I care about is the question whether he truly exists or not. A bazooka will sort that out for me, and did I forget telling you the cracker effect it’ll have on the Christmas sky?
Santa thinks that he’s the only one who can’t be seen on this snowy night, WRONG! Blessed by the powers of the Outsider and chiselled by the turmoil of Dunwall, I, Corvo, am the world’s deadliest of all shadow assassins. IMO, Dishonored is the toughest AAA stealth game that anyone can ever come across, top it with the dark settings of the noir parallel world. Staying invisible takes you places in Dishonored. If you can marvel that, catching Santa is mere peanut butter. I still remember, while I was escaping the tower for the second time in Dishonored, I was surrounded by 10-15 odd enemies. Fighting one takes the whole lot of you in Dishonored, there was no way I’d rank my skill down by killing 15 people like a fool. So I blinked out of sight, once, twice, and found a little pond in front of me. I switched my Outsider power and took possession of those fishes that bite you like piranha, and swam myself to a remoter position.
Blinking to the topmost tower in the city, I’d wait for the sledge cart to appear in the sky. Consuming some of my Mana Elixir, I’d catch sight of the cart. One blink and I’m on top of the cart, and before he’d spot me I’d quickly draw my animal possession power out and blend into one of his reindeers. Drive the crazy fool upside down, until I get out of the poor animal and let it hit headlong into a clock tower. And when the old man is down, I’d click a picture and prove to the world that he does exist, like Corvo and the Outsider.
There are Infinite ways to hate Bioshock: Infinite, as our editor Sahil would tell you more, but Murder of Crows is surely not one of them. Combining the best of Bioshock and bringing in a bit of originality in the otherwise Bioshock Original rip off, is this ultra cool way to stun and damage your enemies. This Vigour allows you to draw all the crows and ravens in the world to smack on your target until he is left totally blinded, until you give him the final whack.
In Murder of Crows, I’d probably be hiding at a safe distance from the target, I’d probably let him leave his cart behind. And when he does, I simply lock on him and call on the crows to do the necessary evil. When he is blinded, I can tie him up to the nearest Christmas tree and present my gift to the world.
Style #4: Berserk Dart (from Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag)
One thing that Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag tries and fulfils in doing is the fact that it looks and behaves very different from the usual Assassin’s Creed series. There are loads to plunder, loads to discover and a myriad of ways to take your target down. And in a few cases, you really don’t need to draw out your own weapon. That’s right; I’m talking of the Berserk Dart.
With the berserk dart, you can poison one or more enemies, and under the spell, they attack their own men. So that you can forget about the regiment and continue doing your thing. The way I am looking at the Great Santa Project is that I’d probably wait on a rooftop with some nachos and my blowpipe. Drugging one of those reindeers from a distance I’d see how the cart crashes under the spell. My only question is, does the berserk dart have the same effect as it would on humans?
Style #5: S.A.W. (from Battlefield 4)
I love the quote by Julius Caesar that goes, “I came. I S.A.W. I conquered.” Jokes apart, the M249 SAW/LMG is the US produced version of the Belgian made FN Minimi. The M249 uses the 5.56x45mm NATO round that makes it a lighter weighted high accuracy high power rocket launcher. In Battlefield, there is a certain amount of joy destroying enemy heavy vehicles with one single shot of the S.A.W.
The joy of tactical fighting as executed in Battlefield series is untouchable. The likes of Far Cry 3 and Killzone may have exploded my imaginations with a thousand alternate guns, each having its each rampage style. But it is Battlefield that lets you bleed the way you’d normally bleed in a real war. The sweat gathering on your palms, while you stare at a heavy vehicle running towards your ally, you exchange your Engineer’s Rifle for something more apocalyptic, a S.A.W. With the aim fixing its lock, you release the deadliest ground to air missile in today’s video gaming, and you watch the target burn. Now shift your imagination back to Santa. His cart on fire, as the Battlefield Theme song starts playing in the background – The Noob is Tea Bagged!
Style #6: Thuúms (from Elder Scrolls: Skyrim)
If you are a Dragonborn, you may have probably seen fiercer things flying in the sky. I’m hinting at dragons, to make this Santa job easy on your soul. Now what makes you special in the whole of Tamriel? Your dragon shouts! Ranging from the Whirlwind Sprint to the Unrelenting Force to Clear Skies shout, it’s all there for you for this job.
Using the Clear Skies shout to clear the misty Christmas sky, and then using Force to stun the man riding the cart seems easy. If he outsmarts you with this, then you know what to do next. That’s right, Dragon Summon. A real Dragonborn has seen and faced worse than a mythological present bearer. If you are wearing a Shout refilling Amulet, then the chances go even higher to catch the cat. I’d still advice you not to abuse the chants and cause carnage in the town, like you’d in Skyrim.
Style #7: Lasso (from Red Dead Redemption)
On many a sleepless nights, I would meander around the towns of Armadillo and Texas, just to ensure everyone’s safe at home and no crime is being committed. Back when I was a poor John Marston trying to be a little more familiar in the neighbourhood, I would jump at the offer of a nightguard’s job. Kill a criminal to get half of the bounty, capture him alive to get the full amount. The last bit encouraged me to stay within the laws of the state and become more familiar with my lasso. Capture him alive and then hogtie him for maximum cash.
I’ve been tamed inside the Wild West Frontier for two years now, and my Wonder Woman like strength and use of lasso can totally catch that man up in the air, bring him down, so that I can present to the world, hogtied. The only drawback is that, Red Dead Redemption also passed on this addiction of looting carts from strangers, and chances are, I might get drawn into the prospect of riding Santa’s mythical cart for the night. Dang!
Style #8: Remote Grapple Claw (from Batman: Arkham Origins)
Batman: Arkham Origins may not have deserved a 3.5/10 like Jim Sterling may have thought, but it does become repetitive and boring because you’ve been there and done that. Thanks to the Remote Grapple Claw, obtained from Deathstroke, it is one of the key refreshing things about it. Quite naturally lifting my mood within the game. This weapon is absolute chaos, if you love your predator style. When you shoot the Remote Grapple, it penetrates the enemy suits and either ties them to each other, hangs them by the rope, or pits them with the nearest fire extinguisher or obstacle.
Now imagine remote clawing Santa to one of his deers, his own cart, the filthy chimney he loves to come down or purely rope tying him to the nearest Christmas Tree. One shot, many results. That’s why DC rules myths more than the Santa Claus.
Style #9: Pure Hacking (from the upcoming Watch_Dogs)
No one broke my heart this year like Watch_Dogs. The very fact that its release date got delayed was such a bummer to my otherwise picture perfect November end. But we are not here to curse Watch_Dogs, Ubisoft or Aiden Pearce for that matter. We are here to hack into what the game can offer, and implement it to catch our dear Santa.
This is going to be year 2014, when Santa was first imagined it was 1931. Humans evolve with age, and I’m headstrong Santa too is ahead of the curve. I bet he has a smartphone telling him about the houses and shortcuts. So what if we hack into the city electricity, defuse it, then hack his device, give him false GPS, make him crash into the snow? I know right!
Style #10: Plane Crashing (from Grand Theft Auto V)
Everyone loves flying, and some like me, love the boom as the plane hits the sides of a mountain; as I gently paraglide away, into safety. This is the time you transgress into the insanity of GTAV. Loads to do, tons to blow up.
So you wear your jetpack, ride a stolen plane (its anyways got to burn) and make sure you head for the sledge cart in the sky. Once you reach the mouth of it, eject yourself from the plane and let it hit the ninja. Use the analogue sticks to look up and investigate the boom that is happening above you. Fake a smile like Trevor Phillips. Job Done.
So this is my plan to capture and reveal Santa Claus to the world. If you’ve got something for me, head for the comments section.
And by the way, Sorry Black Mask, your big ass idea to assemble the 10 best assassins on Christmas Night sucked bad. So why don’t you stop pretending that you’re the Black Mask and sit down with me as we catch this clown with 10 of my best gadgets?