Dyudes, that epic moment is drawing near! Yes, GTA V is hardly 2 weeks away from you, what are you doing about it? Y’know that the game is supposed to last for infinity right? 700+ default online missions plus you can customise and upload your own matches, there will be heavy social integration between your game style and your friends circle on your console, and not to forget a classic GTA story with a never ending twist to it too. Also for people with GTA Special Edition there is something little special inside the game, only time will tell.
What I primarily mean to say is, do you still look into the prospect of quitting your game or pausing it repeatedly for a woman who is ultimately going to dump you for a worse piece of sh*t? Grow up and disown such restrainments, because Rockstar is giving you 3 lives at the price of one this fall. And you can blow sh*t up once again, flirt with random women and if you strike lucky, you can take them flying in your private jet. But there are complications like in every game if you play in the Realistic settings; the question here is, how to deal with this dumping idea. For a start let me tell you it isn’t an utopian idea, of course you can stick to her, but such sticking to a stick may put sticks in your otherwise deserved break. In case you are headstrong with me in this one, here’s Way #10 to dump your pathetic partner:
10. “WHEN I FELL IN LOVE YOU WERE YOURSELF, NOW YOU’RE TURNING INTO YOUR MOM”
Every girl hates the fact that her guy can’t stand her mom, and this is the major soft spot where you can play your blame game. Every EA developer team apprehends when a critic picks up their game for a review, every girl apprehends each time her guy compares her to her mom. Turning into one’s mom is a beautiful thing, but just like Leonidas confronts in Meet the Spartans, Death isn’t beautiful, and neither is this situation. Turning into one’s mother is way more dangerous than having some wrinkles or a grey hair strand, It is as deep and hurting as growing pathetically old and losing one’s sex appeal. When you say these lines you are actually paving path for two weeks of GTA V single player story. And you can happily play online ever after.
9. “YOU’RE A FREAK! GO SEE A DOCTOR.”
Thanks to Thom Yorke and Radiohead’s Creep for pointing it out, this is the insult that can bring in the Holocaust between you and your girlfriend. To an extent that she would want to prove you wrong and do even crazier mental stunts. Do not look out for her practicing these stunts, let her be her. You follow this simple 3 step rule – play, recharge your controller when battery is dying/watch movies till it charges up, and play it again when charge is full. Do not tell her how crazy she is, or what’s her achievement level being a mental is like, chances are she might try something real bad, just to grab your attention. Just inhale, say these lines, exhale, walk out and never meet. GTA V is welcoming you with arms wide open and legs parted.
8. “I’M MAKING LOVE TO YOUR EX ROOM-MATE. TALK TO YOU LATER.”
Polite, warm and heart touching. Women hate competition, they want to be the Game of the Year. And you just compromised her for her ex room-mate, whom she treats in the gamer lingo as an inferior DLC. And making love just sums up what she must’ve gone through, but hey, you don’t need to share those sentiments, Franklin may need a little help from you in Los Santos. Homies before ****, and you know the rule by heart.
7. “I’M DUMPING YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE THE WORLD’S WORST SALAD!”
Clearly there is no art in making salad, because I’ve made some amazing Mediterranean Salad even in my sleep. That’s the irony of this insult, and if your girlfriend is intelligent she will know clearly it’s time for her to move on. If she’s a dumb woman, she will wonder for the rest of her life, where the f*** has she gone wrong with that salad. And why is its memory haunting her guy now. There are nice cheese burgers in downtown Los Santos I heard, forget the good or bad salad, time to hog some of those before heading for a bank heist.
6. “WHO WAS THAT GUY ON THE PHONE? THAT’S IT!”
He may be her brother, he may be her father, or a close friend, but hey, who cares, you got your job done brother. Just like in Style #9, inhale, speak, exhale and walk out. No need to curse each other and then play love songs in the middle of the night. GTA V comes with more than 14 Radio Stations to tune in to! There’s always a new beginning in every end, and this is no ordinary end, this is a well deserved apocalypse.
5. “I’M HURT THAT YOU DON’T LIKE GRINDHOUSE. IT’S OVER.”
Are you kiddin’ me?! No woman in the whole effin’ world has taken the genius of Quentin Tarantino’s Grindhouse into serious consideration. And one grand way to dump her is by making her walk those dingy alleys. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, the two most f**d up directors of all time collaborate to give this one-of-a-kind dude flick. Skin, undead and filthy blood spill, it’s way too much for her already. Perfect plot to blame her and scar her for life. While you go and enjoy movies and public theatres in Los Santos, in peace.
4.”YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CALL ME EARLIER THIS WEEK! IT’S OVER!”
Women have forever enslaved poor young boys by some of their very predictable moves, and sadly none from our side have taken to enacting it and implementing on these home grown political monsters. One of those rules is to make the guy call her every second, whether he’s driving or he’s been driven crazy by the lecture of his harmless boss. You are a gamer, when the opponent is thrashing you in an online game what do you do? You replicate what he’s doing, making his life worse than what was yours some minutes back. Do it to her, man! And by the way rumours are, the cell phone (from GTA IV) is going big time important in GTA V. Bigger than the Saints Row franchise as well. So why bother after you have delivered your speech?!
3. “I’M ON THE PATH OF DISCOVERING MY TRUE PURPOSE AND AM LEAVING THE MATERIAL WORLD BEHIND FOR EVER.”
Lord Buddha set an example to the world by giving up his princely throne and wandering into the forests for enlightenment, and he founded one of the greatest theories of mankind. I’m not telling you to achieve that much, I’m just giving you a splendid reason. So that when you walk out of your fragile relationship, you’ll have a world to explore. Forget the sun rising outside your window, GTA V will ask you to hunt criminals, rob banks and drive across the country, day in day out. And your lie will effectively become a word of truth, as you will seek to discover America and your criminal ways to fit into the society around you. C’mon, it’s GTA V, the more you play, the more you discover, mate!
2. “YOU DON’T TREAT YOUR DOG WELL, HOW CAN YOU TREAT ME?”
This rationale doesn’t berate you to the level of your girlfriend’s dog (unless you’ve been way too faithful to her) but it definitely sets you rolling for a month of pure action. Blaming it on animals who don’t have much to voice out and pronounce eases your way out of the relationship. You can even blame it on her for the number of times her dog took a dump on the neighbour’s wall. By the way, in one of the GTA trailers I did see the protagonist roaming around with a dog. Having a pet in GTA V won’t be an issue for Rockstar. Check out the GTA official box art for more dog like proof!
1. “I DUMP YOU FOR GTA V!”
Surely there was no reward for guessing the No. #1 answer. I love people who are truthful even in the dying moments, and this is no dying. Picking up a new woman (after this breakup and post GTA V 100& Completion) is like picking up a new game from the store. You play it once, you play it twice, you realise you remember all the moves, you head to the store again, and you pick a different game. A newer, fresher one. And you repeat the cycle. So why waste your patience and your time with GTA for a puny reason as her. People who have stuck around for a woman for like eternity need to gather some guts and just move out once, and it all becomes a regular act from the next time on. There is no better reason to throw at her than saying that, Look, no matter how much I can buy your trash it is time I buy and own something that is going to be epic. Hence, GTA V. This game has all the adrenaline, addictive material and not to forget the next gen online modifications to keep you hanging like a girl. Still want to choose to listen to her drab and compensating for the great Grand Theft Auto experience that awaits you? Well, good luck to that!
If you are not looking forward to dumping your girlfriend for GTA V, don’t stress out! It may however be the icing on the cake if you are hard bent on hitting the right notes in GTA V. This article was however conceived as a parody and should be never taken into serious consideration, unless you so want to!
With that note, here’s fist pumping you for the day that will dawn – 17th September 2013, mark the date!